Tuesday, May 25, 2010

*gulp*

Hey.  I have once again done a two week disappearing act.  I have many reasons, of course: LOST, work, birthdays, cleaning and organizing.  But as you can see none of those things listed are losing weight or exercising.

So today I got up bright and early, grabbed a naner and headed to the gym with my already-packed-the-night-before gym bag. I thought to myself, "Hey, it's a good day to hop on the scale and see where I am.  I haven't done it in a looooong time so what the heck!"  Well, 332 is what the heck.  I nearly vomited on the spot.  Folks, this is the highest my weight has ever been.  EVER.  Well, that I am aware of... there were a few years in my early 20's when I didn't weigh myself at all and was quite a lot heavier than I feel now.  Needless to say that my stomach nearly fell out of my butt as I was hyperventilating (all on the inside.  I mean, I was in public for goodness sake!)

I did this before my Strive class so I bet you can guess what I thought of the whole time I was sweatin' out to cams 1, 2 and 3.  When the class was over and I went to the locker room to shower I took a moment to really look at myself.  And what I saw I did not like.  My perseption of my size was a lot smaller than what it really is.  As I was standing there, dripping sweat, hair plastered to my forehead and my lower back, knees and heels hurting it finally sunk in just how unhealthy I am. 

I can't really explain what I started feeling in that moment.  A sort of calm heaviness began to settle in me... a determination in a way started taking affect in that far away place in my brain.  I don't know what it means yet and I think I am just gonna follow it and see where it leads me.  I have begun some changes that I am not ready to go into yet because I want to see how they pan out.  The last thing ya'll need is me waxing poetic about what I "plan" to do instead of what I am doing.  I will share in time, once I get a better grip on the situation.

2 comments:

Grumpy Editor said...

Girl, I'm sorry. I know just how you feel. I lost 7 pounds in the past two months, and then, last weekend, I gained pretty much all of it back.

I don't think this is the heaviest you've ever been, but I'm sure that number from the scale is burned into your brain.

Stay positive and don't let it get you down. Don't get sucked into that vicious cycle! I believe in you. Ju can do eet!

Lanie Painie said...

I hear ya sistah! It's so hard, isn't it? We can do it, though. Let's show that fat who's boss!