Do you ever feel as if you have absolutely no control over any aspect of your life yet you try and try pretending that you do? So imagine combining that feeling with feeling very much left behind in the direction your life has taken.
I wake up, worry about money, worry about whether or not my business will be a success, worry about my health..... and so on, all day and most nights. Then once the worry has exhausted me the guilt sets in. I am 33, single with no prospects, in debt ( but slowly getting out of it), fat, tired, in some sort of physical pain most of the time and moody as hell. At least it seems like I have been for the past several months. I can't seem to focus. That's not true, I can focus but only on the negative. Of which I am trying to break the habit. I like feeling happy, successful, healthy and strong I am just having a really hard time getting back to that.
Don't get me wrong, I have really great days as well but it seems the lately the bad are outnumbering the good. Saturday I went to a farewell shindig up in DC. My friends Anne and Stu are moving to Sweden to study for several years. It's all so exciting and bittersweet and envy inducing. I felt very out of place at this soiree. I was the largest woman there, I was sad and I felt uninteresting. My usually excellent conversation skills died before we even left Fredericksburg and I wrapped myself in loneliness and isolation. Everyone was talking about their glamorous lives, their travels for work, their artistic endeavors and their upcoming moves to different and exciting countries.
I felt like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.... everyone is moving on and I am stuck in Bedford Falls feeling miserable and longing for much, much more. This feeling was heightened by the news that my good friend Emre and his girl Pattie are moving to Holland in November. I have already been more than envious of Emre's jet-setty lifestyle (he is a film producer of documentaries and nature programs, some of which you may have seen on National Geographic.) So there you have it. The girl who has wanted to travel, have exciting adventures, do something to change the world for the better is still in the same town she grew up in, scraping by and feeling extremely sorry for herself. And I have no one to blame but me. I got myself into debt, I have no savings, no insurance no house or securities...... I did it, no one else. Self sabotage is something I am very VERY good at, so good in fact that I can't seem to break the habit.
My best friend is married and expecting a baby any day now, my dear friends Erin and Jonathan took an amazing leap of faith and moved to Colorado where they are extremely happy and now Ms. Erin is going back to school which is so totally awesome! Dark Fury has revived her acting dreams and talents and is planning on moving to Northern Virginia. Retainer girl has her own home, a career in a field she loves and an amazing education. My YOUNGER sister is married, has the cutest little girl and has just bought her first home. They all have worked very hard for these things and deserve every single one of them. :) It just puts a little perspective on my life and how very much it is lacking.
Yes, I am proud that I will be moving into a bigger and better office space. That my business is still on it's feet in a recession but it also scares the bejeezes out of me. I am so far in the red that I don't know if being in the black will ever become a reality for me. I worry, cry and lose sleep all the time. Some months I don't make enough to cover half of my bills and I hate that. I know that the first few years of a new business is a struggle. I just wish I had someone to share the load with. My business partner is blessed enough to have a loving and supportive husband who makes a very comfortable living so she doesn't "need" to work and can afford not to while she 100% promotes her business.
I know I must be coming across petty and whinny and super duper sorry for myself but I have been doing this alone for a really long time and it would be nice to be taken care of for a little while. I want to be able to take full breaths again, to not feel on edge, to get that spark back. This may sound extremely unfeminist but I would like for a man to take care of me for a change. Especially since my job is to nurture and take care of others on a daily and hourly basis. But it's like a double edge sword, I want to be in an amazingly supportive relationship but it's difficult when you hate how you look and when most men write you off as anything romantic the moment they see you. Welcome to the friend zone!
I know what I need to do. I know what I need to change. But how do you tell the negative voices inside to "SHUT UP" long enough for you to do something about it? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and love the person staring back?