Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Feeling Topsy Turvy

Do you ever feel as if you have absolutely no control over any aspect of your life yet you try and try pretending that you do? So imagine combining that feeling with feeling very much left behind in the direction your life has taken.

I wake up, worry about money, worry about whether or not my business will be a success, worry about my health..... and so on, all day and most nights. Then once the worry has exhausted me the guilt sets in. I am 33, single with no prospects, in debt ( but slowly getting out of it), fat, tired, in some sort of physical pain most of the time and moody as hell. At least it seems like I have been for the past several months. I can't seem to focus. That's not true, I can focus but only on the negative. Of which I am trying to break the habit. I like feeling happy, successful, healthy and strong I am just having a really hard time getting back to that.

Don't get me wrong, I have really great days as well but it seems the lately the bad are outnumbering the good. Saturday I went to a farewell shindig up in DC. My friends Anne and Stu are moving to Sweden to study for several years. It's all so exciting and bittersweet and envy inducing. I felt very out of place at this soiree. I was the largest woman there, I was sad and I felt uninteresting. My usually excellent conversation skills died before we even left Fredericksburg and I wrapped myself in loneliness and isolation. Everyone was talking about their glamorous lives, their travels for work, their artistic endeavors and their upcoming moves to different and exciting countries.

I felt like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.... everyone is moving on and I am stuck in Bedford Falls feeling miserable and longing for much, much more. This feeling was heightened by the news that my good friend Emre and his girl Pattie are moving to Holland in November. I have already been more than envious of Emre's jet-setty lifestyle (he is a film producer of documentaries and nature programs, some of which you may have seen on National Geographic.) So there you have it. The girl who has wanted to travel, have exciting adventures, do something to change the world for the better is still in the same town she grew up in, scraping by and feeling extremely sorry for herself. And I have no one to blame but me. I got myself into debt, I have no savings, no insurance no house or securities...... I did it, no one else. Self sabotage is something I am very VERY good at, so good in fact that I can't seem to break the habit.

My best friend is married and expecting a baby any day now, my dear friends Erin and Jonathan took an amazing leap of faith and moved to Colorado where they are extremely happy and now Ms. Erin is going back to school which is so totally awesome! Dark Fury has revived her acting dreams and talents and is planning on moving to Northern Virginia. Retainer girl has her own home, a career in a field she loves and an amazing education. My YOUNGER sister is married, has the cutest little girl and has just bought her first home. They all have worked very hard for these things and deserve every single one of them. :) It just puts a little perspective on my life and how very much it is lacking.

Yes, I am proud that I will be moving into a bigger and better office space. That my business is still on it's feet in a recession but it also scares the bejeezes out of me. I am so far in the red that I don't know if being in the black will ever become a reality for me. I worry, cry and lose sleep all the time. Some months I don't make enough to cover half of my bills and I hate that. I know that the first few years of a new business is a struggle. I just wish I had someone to share the load with. My business partner is blessed enough to have a loving and supportive husband who makes a very comfortable living so she doesn't "need" to work and can afford not to while she 100% promotes her business.

I know I must be coming across petty and whinny and super duper sorry for myself but I have been doing this alone for a really long time and it would be nice to be taken care of for a little while. I want to be able to take full breaths again, to not feel on edge, to get that spark back. This may sound extremely unfeminist but I would like for a man to take care of me for a change. Especially since my job is to nurture and take care of others on a daily and hourly basis. But it's like a double edge sword, I want to be in an amazingly supportive relationship but it's difficult when you hate how you look and when most men write you off as anything romantic the moment they see you. Welcome to the friend zone!

I know what I need to do. I know what I need to change. But how do you tell the negative voices inside to "SHUT UP" long enough for you to do something about it? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and love the person staring back?


girlysmack said...

Oh, girl. First of all, you are never uninteresting. Never. You can talk about going to the gas station and make it sound interesting and hilarious.

Second of all. Second of all and it probably should have been first of all, I wish I knew how to tell you how to love yourself. Maybe I could have you hypnotized? Because you are the most extremely lovable person I know. Seriously.

Jeez. I have so much to say in response to this post (before you delete it or something!) but I don't want to lecture you... Maybe I'll write you a letter! :D

Retainer Girl said...

My darling, all of these emotions are incredibly valid and understandable. I feel them on a daily basis as well, and it's frustrating.

I don't know if it will make you feel better, but I have so many things that I have long desired, and I *still* feel similar to how you do.

You have a challenging path in life. You aren't meant to sit in an office behind a computer all day, and you are so much more amazing than a life of retail work.

Your line of work is one that may always be an uphill battle, but I believe that you were chosen because you can handle it better than anyone else could. You're so strong! Who else could have made it this far with the challenges you have faced?

I can't help you or tell you how to feel better, but I am always here for you.

You are amazing in every way, and everyone knows it.

leila said...

I think I just landed in Bizarro-World. You- uninteresting? Only in a parallel universe.

O - we have not known each other very long and when we do spend time together it seems to be brief and chaotic (which I love). You are probably one of the most dynamic, solid people I know. I am not blowing smoke up your ass. I know a lot of people, very few of them leave the mark on me the way you have. If I could gift you something it would be for you to feel about yourself the way that your dearest friends feel about you.

Be well, my friend, you deserve it.

I have 2 mantras that I live by:

1. 90% of getting what you want in life is knowing what you are willing to give up to get it.
Honey, you more than have this covered. Do you have a clue just how brave you are? Most of us work for the "man". YOU ARE THE MAN!!

2. Life is not a dress rehearsal (not even for you, DarkFury).
See notes attached to #1

I'll get off of my soap box now.

BTW, I jealous that your friends are moving to Finland, my fave country.


Dark Fury said...

Crap. I just wrote out this long damn comment & then the computer ate it. Christ checks!

Let's try again. It boils down to about 2 key points.

A. You were not uninteresting on Sat. I know. I was there.

B. If I knew how to help you love yourself every day even half as much as the rest of us do I'd do it.

C. If ya' need me I'm right across the hall. Give a holler. And, honestly, I can think of at least 10 people who would come a runnin' if you called. Would we, any of us, do that for just anybody? Speaking only for myself - No. So, you must be pretty damn special.

diana.daniel said...

I am late to this thread, but Olivia!!! You are so awesome, funny, kind and brave. I think (read fantasize) about working for myself after nursing school and then I think about health insurance and I just stop and thinking about getting a regular ol' job.

You are so brave to go into business for yourself. Most people who think about it never do it because they are scared.

Take care of yourself because you are a bad ass!

Roxanna said...

We all have down days, weeks and even months. All I can say is the grass is always greener in the other side. We all have issues what we deal with everyday. You are a wonderful person and I know that I find a great joy in being able to call you are firend. I hope that you are feeling better.

Jenn M said...

I'm going to give you advice that others may criticize.

Get yourself some anti-anxiety meds. Trust me on this!

These feelings that you have are all built up on anxiety. This can ruin your life and redirect your thinking to believe you are nothing, when really.. I'm jealous of your life!

The anti anxiety meds I got put on
A. made me feel awesome about myself.
B. I wasn't worried about feeling alone. I actually enjoy being alone more now.
C. I stopped emotional eating. Seriously! I'm able to rationalize why I'm upset and stop it before it breaks out of control.

Try and see where it takes you. If you need any help, let me know :)

Seriously though.. I'm jealous of your lifestyle! I view you and your group of friends as "wordly" and very smart and outgoing and you are so close with your friends and you always seem like you have so much to talk about. You enjoy foods that I've never even imagined and wines and really.. you are great!

April said...

I hear you! I think I might even be you a little bit. I've been feeling and thinking the same things and was journlaing about it just the other day. I wish I had an answer for you, for me, for so many other people that I think might be in the same place. Change can only happen when we make it happen...I know we all know this, but the doing something about it is the hard part!