Radio Silence

Hello Friends!  I don't even know where to begin. The past three weeks have been insane.  Here is a bullet point synopsis of what has been going on:

• Wedding on 10/15/10
• Left for Colorado on 10/18/10 (my trip will get it's own post)
• Finally made it back home from Colorado at 3:30am on 10/26/10, then went to work later that day
• Halloween festivities (and those darn sneak cocktails!) resulting in a 1.2lb gain at my next weigh in.  :(
• Monday 11/1/10 my roommate tells me he is moving his girlfriend and her kids in on Friday 11/05/10 (when I asked him to give me this week and next week to move my things out grrrrrrrr....)
• Worked all week, packed all week, got a storage unit and u-haul
• Saturday morning/early afternoon went wedding dress and maid of honor dress shopping with one of my besties.
• Saturday afternoon/evening moved from one house to the other
• Sunday finished unloading the u-haul, took things to storage and then unpacked my whole life.
• Monday I cleaned, worked and (praise!) got a massage
• Working everyday this week including Sunday.

Needless to say I am pretty pooped and very emotional.  I have been feeling so many different things and all at the same time.  Arrrgggghhhh!  I have my weigh in tonight and am pretty sure I gained.  There was some emotional eating involved this weekend. 

On the plus side I have gone to the grocery store and stocked up on low point healthy foods.  I may even be able to squeeze in a couple of walks so I can lose the weight I have put on the past couple of weeks.  I have some thinking to do and new routines to get used to but I know I will make it through and be an even better person for it.

Embarrassed

I weigh in on Tuesdays, which has it's plus and minuses.  If I have a social weekend it usually shows up on the scale.  Well, last weekend I had a VERY social weekend and it showed.  Up 3.4 lbs.... again.  What is up with 3.4?  That's the second time I have gained exactly that much weight in the past three weigh ins.  Needless to say I am embarrassed and a little ashamed after coming off such a great loss the week before.  I'm feeling pretty down on myself about it but I haven't been able to dwell too much since work is so busy right now.  However, I do have another very social weekend coming up.  A bachelorette / bachelor party up in D.C.  We are talking the works:  limo, cocktails, strip club and I am sure plenty of opportunities to eat. 

I'm nervous. I can't help it.  I just keep thinking that if I can just get through to November 1st then I can really focus before the holidays.  Here is a rundown of all the things I have to do (on top of working two jobs) that are potential land mines:

• Our German visitors are here until the 7th and there are at least three food related functions that I will be attending with them
• I have a wedding to go to on the 15th
• I will be in Colorado for a week at the end of October
• Halloween
• Then the beginning of  November I move.

GAAAAAHHHHH! 

Whew!  I really needed to get that out. 

M'kay, I'm off to take some deep breaths and a Valium.

P.S  I love you guys.  Thanks for listening/reading.  :)

Well.....crap.

Aunt flow did come to town, just in time for me to have a few days of mindless eating and bloating before the weigh in.  Up 3.4 lbs this week.  :(  I guess this means I will have to give my purse back.  No, not really... it just means I don't get another purse when I lose the 3.4.  And I will lose it.  Oh yes, you can rest assured that I will lose that annoying number of gained pounds!

If I look at it in a positive light this has helped me get back to a few basics that I shirked along the way:

• Tracking everything that goes into my mouth (this is a big challenge for me)
• Exercise ( I started walking again since it's not jungle hot here anymore in Virginia)
• Positive affirmations (got out of this habit for the past two months because I was waaay to busy feeling sorry for myself)

Only 32 days until I fly out to Denver.  I would really rather not wear the airplane seat as a skirt.

Thank You.

Thank you for your amazing support on my last post. I cried when I read your comments and am so grateful to you my dear friends. :)

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I want to be a positive influence on peeps not a negative Nancy. So I can't promise that I wont be gloomy from time to time (think that it has to do with Pisces being my ascending sign ;)) but I will try to let my Aries nature take a little more of the front seat in my personality. Whatever that means. :D

I went to the grocery store and purchased whole, natural healthy foods. When I have eaten out it's been the healthiest choices possible and very conservative portion sizes. I have been eating 5 to 6 small meals a day and am not letting the "guilt" card show it's face when I do have something "sinful." I am going to the gym tomorrow for the first time in a month and even though it may suck I know I will feel better for going. I am going to try to keep up with the picture food journal posts but wont hold myself to an either all or nothing approach.

The next couple of weeks are full of exciting things and gatherings. My dear friends Erin, Jonathan, Sadie and Jack are coming back to VA for a visit and a birthday party! My best friend Elisa just had her baby girl, Charlotte, and I plan on spending plenty of time getting to know her. Plus it's Elisa's bday soon as well as my dear Patherine's. They are only 2 days apart! I have a wedding on the 8th which let's face it could be an emotional mine field for me but I will try my best to focus on the joy of the couple's new adventure together. I move into the new office space on the 1st which I hope will open many, many, many doors of prosperity for my business partner and I.

Thank you guys for sticking with me through my ups and downs. I generally am a happy person I just get lost from time to time. Have a great week!

Feeling Topsy Turvy

Do you ever feel as if you have absolutely no control over any aspect of your life yet you try and try pretending that you do? So imagine combining that feeling with feeling very much left behind in the direction your life has taken.

I wake up, worry about money, worry about whether or not my business will be a success, worry about my health..... and so on, all day and most nights. Then once the worry has exhausted me the guilt sets in. I am 33, single with no prospects, in debt ( but slowly getting out of it), fat, tired, in some sort of physical pain most of the time and moody as hell. At least it seems like I have been for the past several months. I can't seem to focus. That's not true, I can focus but only on the negative. Of which I am trying to break the habit. I like feeling happy, successful, healthy and strong I am just having a really hard time getting back to that.

Don't get me wrong, I have really great days as well but it seems the lately the bad are outnumbering the good. Saturday I went to a farewell shindig up in DC. My friends Anne and Stu are moving to Sweden to study for several years. It's all so exciting and bittersweet and envy inducing. I felt very out of place at this soiree. I was the largest woman there, I was sad and I felt uninteresting. My usually excellent conversation skills died before we even left Fredericksburg and I wrapped myself in loneliness and isolation. Everyone was talking about their glamorous lives, their travels for work, their artistic endeavors and their upcoming moves to different and exciting countries.

I felt like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.... everyone is moving on and I am stuck in Bedford Falls feeling miserable and longing for much, much more. This feeling was heightened by the news that my good friend Emre and his girl Pattie are moving to Holland in November. I have already been more than envious of Emre's jet-setty lifestyle (he is a film producer of documentaries and nature programs, some of which you may have seen on National Geographic.) So there you have it. The girl who has wanted to travel, have exciting adventures, do something to change the world for the better is still in the same town she grew up in, scraping by and feeling extremely sorry for herself. And I have no one to blame but me. I got myself into debt, I have no savings, no insurance no house or securities...... I did it, no one else. Self sabotage is something I am very VERY good at, so good in fact that I can't seem to break the habit.

My best friend is married and expecting a baby any day now, my dear friends Erin and Jonathan took an amazing leap of faith and moved to Colorado where they are extremely happy and now Ms. Erin is going back to school which is so totally awesome! Dark Fury has revived her acting dreams and talents and is planning on moving to Northern Virginia. Retainer girl has her own home, a career in a field she loves and an amazing education. My YOUNGER sister is married, has the cutest little girl and has just bought her first home. They all have worked very hard for these things and deserve every single one of them. :) It just puts a little perspective on my life and how very much it is lacking.

Yes, I am proud that I will be moving into a bigger and better office space. That my business is still on it's feet in a recession but it also scares the bejeezes out of me. I am so far in the red that I don't know if being in the black will ever become a reality for me. I worry, cry and lose sleep all the time. Some months I don't make enough to cover half of my bills and I hate that. I know that the first few years of a new business is a struggle. I just wish I had someone to share the load with. My business partner is blessed enough to have a loving and supportive husband who makes a very comfortable living so she doesn't "need" to work and can afford not to while she 100% promotes her business.

I know I must be coming across petty and whinny and super duper sorry for myself but I have been doing this alone for a really long time and it would be nice to be taken care of for a little while. I want to be able to take full breaths again, to not feel on edge, to get that spark back. This may sound extremely unfeminist but I would like for a man to take care of me for a change. Especially since my job is to nurture and take care of others on a daily and hourly basis. But it's like a double edge sword, I want to be in an amazingly supportive relationship but it's difficult when you hate how you look and when most men write you off as anything romantic the moment they see you. Welcome to the friend zone!

I know what I need to do. I know what I need to change. But how do you tell the negative voices inside to "SHUT UP" long enough for you to do something about it? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and love the person staring back?

I Swear....I Am Still Here.

I just can't seem to get up the energy to post anything. I promise to work on it and hopefully will find the will to upload the few pictures I managed to take. I have not been diligent this past week about logging my food with photos but again I hope to get back on track with that. Plus, I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE GYM. It's a little ridiculous.

This Saturday I am throwing a baby shower for my bestest friend. If I wind up being as organized as I hope to I will have some pics of all the delicious food and cute baby things.

Ciao!

Someday....

I'll get the urge to blog again. Ever since the whole new job incident I have been battling a very odd sort of depression which accumulated into a very large and very pathetic emotional breakdown yesterday. I am still feeling pretty weepy and sorry for myself but today, as usually happens after a storm, is starting to look up. I am hoping, praying, wishing and intending for things to get a lot better.

Nobody wants to read a sad, negative complainy weight loss blog. Readers want to be inspired and feel like there are kindred spirits out there going through the same ups and downs that they are. So I am trying very hard to get my doo-doo together and get my head back in the weight loss game. Posting may be sporadic but I wanted to let you know that I am still here, I am still fat and I am still trying. Take care. :)

Not Sure What's Up

I feel so blah. I have been sleeping horribly. My hormones are all out of whack I have no drive what so ever to exercise, in fact I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday. The only thing that I have been doing rather well on is the eating (except for Adrienne and her damn chocolate cakes!). I have been trying to eat more intuitively and having smaller portions of lots of different flavors to help satisfy my pallet. Plus my stomach hasn't been right for several weeks now which more than likely has something to do with it. Other than that I have been sucking at everything. I am not sure if I am a little depressed due to the Dr.'s office job not working out. I did kinda put all of my eggs in that one basket. Not to mention that work has been crazy slow for the past two weeks and the only people calling me for appointments at my office are gift certificate holders, so no new money coming in.

I hope to break out of this funk soon. I think it would help if we started to get warmer weather then maybe I would feel more motivated. Or maybe I just need an attitude adjustment. ;P

Quiet Before The Storm

Today I went shopping for these:

I had decided a while ago that I wanted to start wearing scrubs for massaging I just hadn't gotten around to buying them. So when I was offered the medical massage therapist position at a local rehabilitation doctor's office I made it a priority to stock up on scrubs so I could stop ruining my "street " clothes with oils and creams. Well, today I had to go to THREE different places, two Walmarts and Home Healthcare America, to try to find scrubs in my size. Needless to say it was extremely difficult to find matching colors in 3x, which must be a hard size to keep in stock. That or they make very little large sized scrubs that people like myself snarf them up. It did not feel good, in fact I felt my heart sag a little in my chest.... kinda like other parts in that same region.

So once again it reaffirmed what I must do because it has been abundantly clear that I haven't been the past 2 months. So I have devised a schedule that I aim to steadily work up to and would like to share it with you to see what you think. Here goes:

• Monday: work 9-5 then hit the gym for a class or workout of my choice. Or if I have clients work at my office for no more than 2 sessions
• Tuesday: work 10-7 then hit the gym for at least an hour
• Wednesday: work 11-6, gym or take no more than 1 client at my office
• Thursday: work 10-7, gym
• Friday: work 10-5, gym or take no more than 2 clients at my office
• Saturday: off two or more a month, work at my office no more than two a month
• Sunday: two classes at the gym back to back

Now I know there will be some week to week tweaking involved because it will depend on how busy I am at work and at my office as to how much I will make it to the gym during the week. If I am able to work out during the week I may decided to take Saturday or Sunday off from workouts. On the food front, I only get a half hour for lunch which means that I will have to brown bag it. Breakfast I will eat before I go to work but then I will have to pack lunch, snacks and possibly dinner depending on my workout schedule. I may just wind up eating A LOT of salads for dinner. So what I have gathered from what I want to do here is that I will have to be super organized; meal planning and cooking in advance, packing my gym bag the night before, going to bed the same time every night and waking the same time every morning. Which is probably what I have needed all along. Wish me luck and let me know if you have any suggestions. Thanks for stopping by!

Yes I Can!

If an African American male can run a history making campaign for presidency and WIN, then I should be able to get a handle on this healthy lifestyle change I am trying to implement. I have had set back after set back, all of which are self induced btw and yet I am still here and I still refuse to give up.

I got on the scale last night at the gym before my Bodyjam class and was rather disheartened to see 321.2. That is a 6 pound gain over the past two months. While I stared down at the number being reflected back to me I made a promise to myself, I will not take this to heart. I have been having stop and start female issues for about 3 weeks now and that may have something to do with it. The day before I weighed I walked 5K as training for the Turkey Trot. Plus, I can see on my body where I have lost some inches. Heck, since I have been doing weight lifting classes it could be a muscle gain but a fat loss. I just don't know.

I do know that my eating patterns are my downfall. I will have three really great days and then a few social engagements later and I am right back where I started. So I think I am just going to have to suck it up and try the calorie tracking and food journaling on Spark People. If there is one thing that President Elect Obama has shown me it's that you can't ever give up and as my friend Adrienne says, "You gotta have a dream to make a dream come true." My dream is to be the best Olivia I can be and right now I am pretty good but I know that a better me is just around the corner. :)

I work best on a schedule but with my line of work I need to work around the clients availability. But I still control the quality of my life. I have been thinking about goals that I can work on to help keep me on a schedule and here are some of them:

• go to bed by 11:30 every night
• get up by 8am every morning ( Sundays are freebies)
• when working, exercise in the evenings
• when off, exercise in the mornings
• pack lunches and dinners (eating out is for social occasions)
• do not eat meals after 7pm (only post workout snacks)
• log calories and food journal before bed
• find and artistic outlet to replace emotional eating

I am sure I will come up with many more things to cover but one day at a time. This weekend is full of clients, laundry and the Green Festival on Sunday which I am super excited about! I look forward to the inspiration that I will find there. :)

Much Needed Time To Think

Hello All! First I would like to say a very heart felt THANK YOU to everyone for their incredible support. Your faith and kind words keep me from being too hard on myself. So again, thank you.

I also want to put out there that I never gave up. :) Even though I felt really frustrated, disgusted and angry, I never gave up. I had some much needed time to think and re-evaluate how I was approaching my weight loss. So here are some changes I and others have come up with:

1. I will only weigh myself once a month. My dear friend April, who is an amazing personal trainer, suggested this and I think I will follow it.
2. I am researching someone to talk to about my issues, a professional. My dearest and bestest friend Elisa suggested that maybe I should try to fix my food blocks upstairs before I start blaming my body.
3. For the time being I will suspend recording what I eat on here. It stresses me more than anything else because I fear the judgement.
4. I have decided to participate in Lyn's Healthy Habit a Week Challenge.
5. I will focus more, for the time being, on my workouts than being on a "diet."

The first week of Lyn's Challenge is to drink more water. That is something I can definitely do. :) So there you have it. One baby step at a time.

Falling Off The Wagon

I am really trying to hold it together right now. I am watching Biggest Loser and kicking myself repeatedly for falling off the wagon this weekend and this evening. I have had more sodas these past few days than I have in several months. I have had ice cream, pastries, fast food and large portions. I have slacked on my workouts, water intake and positive reinforcement. I know that this happens, I know that I am not alone but it doesn't make the hurt and disgust go away.

When will I effing find the combination for me?!?!?! When will it just click? Everyone I have read or known who has reached their goals had, at some point, a moment of clarity... a moment where it all seemed to finally click for them. I feel like I have been doing this forever. Oh wait! That's because I have been doing this forever. I have been on a "diet" since I was 8 years old. Why can't I just get out of my body's way? I know it has a voice but it's so buried under these heavy layers of fat that I can barely hear it.

I can work out. In fact I really love doing it. When I do it religiously I feel strong, confident and attractive. It's the food dang it! I don't seem to be getting it. WHY DO I HAVE THIS BLOCK?!

I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be beautiful. I want to be at peace with my body not at war with it.

I feel so lost right now.

Okay, Let's Turn A New Leaf

Let's be honest, the last two weeks have not been my best. In fact since I started this blog I have had more than my fair share of "do overs." As it has been pointed out to me by not only my own observations but by those of strangers reading my blog, my food consumption is not where it needs to be. In fact it is not even in the same galaxy that it needs to be. I don't know what to do. I feel really lost. I have tried every diet known to man; Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, LA Weight loss..... you name it, I tried it. I have read countless books on diet & weight loss; Eat Right for Your Type, French Women Don't Get Fat, Fat is a Feminist Issue, You! On a Diet..... just to name a few. I even went to a dietitian a few years back.

When it comes to food, food combining, portion control I am completely lost. Math has never been my best subject and the thought of trying to figure out what my calories need to be in order to support weight loss while working out and having a physical job like massage makes me want to scream. I don't really understand how many calories are in certain foods and how to calculate up or down for portion size. I have tried many times to "get it" but have only been met with failure in the past. Maybe someone can explain it to me in a way that makes since? Does anyone know of any websites or tools that help with this and I mean in layman's terms?

Please, only positive and helpful comments from now on. :)

I've Got My Poo Kickers On.........

and I am ready to kick some poo! That's right, I'm back. The beach was beautiful and amazing but in no way relaxing. I really didn't have a moment to concentrate on the issues I needed to meditate on. Oh well, just have to do it at home which, surprisingly, has been more relaxing than the beach. I guess you really can't run away from your problems.

Anywho, I have a new game plan. I most definitely lost focus for like the gazillionth time but I am ready to get back up with my fisty cuffs protecting my face and kick some major booty. I have started exercising more regularly.... gonna try for 4 days a week and I have decided what my next 21 day challenge is going to be. Are you ready? For 21 days straight I will eat at least 2 home cooked meals a day. I am gonna shoot for 3 but sometimes with my work schedule that isn't possible, however if I do eat out it will be healthy and fresh foods. NO FAST FOOD! The challenge starts tomorrow, 8/22/08.

I am super scared to get back on the scale but know I must suck it up, put my big girl panties on and do it. So gym, here I come. Scale, you and I have a date tomorrow in which you will gladly pay for everything and I wont be expected to put out.

I have just spent $150 on groceries at Ukrops ( a fancy, dancy grocery store) and am ready to feel good again. I am ready to feel proud of myself and strong. I am ready to reach my next 5 pound goal dang it! I am ready to find me.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I have been reading a lot of weight loss blogs recently. I guess I have been searching for examples in other bloggers for what I have been feeling lately. I mean, I completed my 21 Day Challenge. I am rewarding myself with non food prizes. I have even started to really appreciate and focus on the things I really like about myself. However this past week I haven't been to the gym once and I really haven't been very diligent with my healthy eating. In fact I have been eating what I want when I want it. To be perfectly honest, I am eating Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia out of the carton while I write this. Isn't that freakin ridiculous?! Never the less I am still eating it while writing a post about loosing focus on my weight loss blog and staring at the wing of fat waving under my arm while I turn the volume down on the tv.

What's the point of this post you may be asking yourself? The point is that I am starting fresh and new this minute. The one common fact about most weight loss success stories is that they would often lose focus in the beginning but that the point was to never give up. Just start again that very minute. Which is what I have decided to do....right now. I have put the ice cream away, am drinking a large glass of water and getting my game plan straight in my head.

Tomorrow I am starting my day by having a positivity meeting with two of the most amazing women I know while eating healthy and delicious food that is good for my body. Then I will head off to work to be a care provider for my clients. After that I will tra-la-la off to the gym to provide some much needed care for me. I may even get up the courage to get on the scale to see where I stand. Once I hit the grocery store I will start my next 21 day challenge of 5 servings of fruits and vegetables.

I just need to remember to stay focused and never give up. Because I am worth it. :)

Picking Myself Back Up, One Fat Roll At A Time

Last Wednesday until right now I have been throwing myself one hell of a pity party. It began with my very discouraging weigh in on Tuesday night and was kicked up a notch by the worst "female issues" I've had since high school over fourteen years ago. In fact Sir Cramp A Lot has been with me for 5 whole days and nights and has caused me to be a major Grumpy Gus. My emotions have been rivaling Sybil and my "unhealthy" food cravings have become an obsession. However the worst part was that I just said "F*uck It!" and gave up......completely.

Until now. After a nice dose of self disappointment and condemnation something snapped. So I have decided to get over myself and get back to work. I owe a large part of this focus to the amazing weight loss blogs that I read and to the bestest friend a girl could ever have, Elisa. Who, btw, is also embracing her thin side. Yes, that's right folks, we are not fighting the fat, we are embracing our fit and healthy bodies. My fit and healthy body has been asleep like Rip Van Winkle since, well, forever. But Elisa knows what it feels like to be fit and healthy and full of energy because she got there. I find her such an amazing inspiration because when she is healthy and happy there is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that can stop her.

So here I go.....again. After I finish this post I am heading to the grocery store to stock up on all the healthy foods and beverages that my body wants but that I have been to mean to give it. With a stocked fridge it will be harder for me to rationalize quick, high fat and nutritionally empty foods. It may even help me save on the moolah front too. I know that I wont make it to the gym today but I will definitely be there tomorrow for hip hop dance class. I may even join my friend Adrienne for Pitayo before hand and then the dance class. I know, I am too crazy!

Be Good To Yourself. I know I am trying to.

Down On Me

I feel really lost right now, really disappointed and very weepy. Why do I continue to quit on myself? I just started this damn change and already I have made excuses, felt bad about myself on numerous occasions and almost given up a couple of times. I feel so weak right now.

I love to work out, that is not my problem but when it comes to the diet I have absolutely no discipline. I love food. I love to cook and bake. I love discussing food and wine and anything involving the culinary arts. I love to watch the Food Network. My other blog has mostly links to other food blogs. I envy those people a lot. I envy people who can have a healthy love of food and wine and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. I want their carefree attitude about food and life in general.

I have traveled to Europe on three different occasions in my life, which is a whole different problem ( cause I haven't been able to travel there more.) I long for the European approach to the pleasures in life. They absolutely do not agonize over every little calorie or gram of fat. They don't apologize for making their meals an occasion to be celebrated and remembered. I also admire the flavors of the Orient and how Asia has raised their gastronomic adventures to an art form.

My major problem is that, on most occasions, I wait until I am ravenous to begin my quest for food. That usually leads me to make bad decisions and thus the cycle continues. I know that claiming to be super busy is only one of many excuses I use to give up on myself. I could make my meals ahead of time and freeze them portioned and everything. But do I? No. Do you want to know the reason why? Because I just don't want to have to deny myself something if I want it. I just want to be able to work out a lot, eat whatever I want and just lose weight. Alas that will just have to continue being my fantasy since we all know that's not how it works.

One of the things I am trying to change about myself is to be more pro-active. Since I have been hating on myself the past couple of days I decided to go to the gym on a Saturday night and swim. I watched two episodes of Biggest Loser reruns then I went to the grocery store and bought some skinless chicken breast, milk and kashi cereal. I already have potatoes, green beans and zucchini from my stop at the farmers market on Tuesday. So tomorrow I will have a healthy breakfast, choose wisely when I meet my friend for lunch at my favorite restaurant and then try to control myself at my friends going away party at Cheeseburger in Paradise. I love their mojitos! I WILL go to the gym tomorrow and then come home and make myself a healthy and nutritious dinner. Plus, I will blog about my day that evening so that I don't leave you all hanging about my progress.

For those of you out there struggling with the same problems, please leave me a comment on what you do to get yourself out of a slump.

Ta!