Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Falling Off The Wagon

I am really trying to hold it together right now. I am watching Biggest Loser and kicking myself repeatedly for falling off the wagon this weekend and this evening. I have had more sodas these past few days than I have in several months. I have had ice cream, pastries, fast food and large portions. I have slacked on my workouts, water intake and positive reinforcement. I know that this happens, I know that I am not alone but it doesn't make the hurt and disgust go away.

When will I effing find the combination for me?!?!?! When will it just click? Everyone I have read or known who has reached their goals had, at some point, a moment of clarity... a moment where it all seemed to finally click for them. I feel like I have been doing this forever. Oh wait! That's because I have been doing this forever. I have been on a "diet" since I was 8 years old. Why can't I just get out of my body's way? I know it has a voice but it's so buried under these heavy layers of fat that I can barely hear it.

I can work out. In fact I really love doing it. When I do it religiously I feel strong, confident and attractive. It's the food dang it! I don't seem to be getting it. WHY DO I HAVE THIS BLOCK?!

I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be beautiful. I want to be at peace with my body not at war with it.

I feel so lost right now.


CindyLou said...

Olivia - you are beautiful. I know it's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in our culture where "thin is in", but you are beautiful. You should never be at war with your body, it's the only one you have, be kind to yourself.

Sam said...

Chin up girl - Cindy is right - you're beautiful NOW.
It is an awful self-hating, self-defeating cycle we can get ourselves in - I struggle with it every day too. Remember that you're doing so many positive things for yourself - we just can't do it all, every day ... and still be fun to be around!
The girl who ate and drank my weight in beer, bratwurst, whoopie pies, and apple dumplings last weekend

Olivia said...

Thanks ladies! :D

Retainer Girl said...

I wish I had some magic wisdom to impart, but I don't. Probably because I've gone up a dress size in nine months. :D

Anyway, you work so hard and make far more good choices than un-good ones. Don't get so down on yourself and know that the you you want to be is waiting for you right around the corner!

I'm proud of you always!

Elsha said...

I don't know if there is a "click" moment as such... I certainly don't feel there is one but there does come a time when you can stop your hand from reaching into the biscuit (cookie) jar because your inner voice reminds you of what you want to achieve.

For me, that is trying for a baby. So yesterday when my hand started going towards the chocolate covered tiny teddy biscuits (when there were WW biscuits right beside them). I thought "Do you want to explain to people that you don't have kids because you were too lazy to lose the weight to be at a healthy weight to try?" and then suddenly my hands were snatched back and I resumed working....

Still doesn't mean I didn't want the biscuits, but I wanted the baby dream more.

It is a vicious cycle but as u win each small victory you start feeling better.

Dark Fury said...

A. Stop beating yourself up. I know it's hard but you've been on a diet since you were 8 years old so OF COURSE you don't know what your body wants. It's going to take time.

B. Stop beating yourself up. Seriously. You're doing very well. Every time I see you, which is often, I can see a difference and maybe I don't tell you every time because I just kind of think you know that. But, I will tell you from now on. Are you perfect? No. But, as someone pointed out to me once (who could it have been? Oh. Yeah! You!), nobody is. Are ou beautiful? Yes. Seriously, I'm shallow & refuse to hang out with people who aren't attractive. We know this! We've been hanging out since we were 15. You do the math.

C. Stop beating yourself up. I don't appreciate how you talk to my best friend! ;)

Love you, mean it!